Jesus Loves Me

Jesus loves me-this I know in my head but don't fully grasp it yet in my heart where it really matters.  Why wouldn't he love me?  I grew up believing that I wasn't good enough because I wasn't like my older sister.  She was smart and studious and did not cause any problems.  She would sit inside, reading and studying and doing well in school.  I on the other hand did not like staying inside.  I prefered to swim, play in the creek, ride my bike, walk to the rock shop or candy store, jump in puddles, play with my brother and his friends, play baseball and crawl through tunnels made of hay.  I could be outside all day if I wanted.  And got into trouble when I wandered too far from home and couldn't hear when my parents called for me to come home.  No, I was not a home body like my sister.  I liked adventure and I think that was a problem.  I was also a tomboy and when I was encouraged to join in with my sister and one girl cousin, it felt unnatural.  I missed the fun and excitement that came from being around my boy cousins or being outside with other tomboys.

I never fit in at my elementary school, middle school, or high school.  I was teased and never fit in no matter how much I tried.  After awhile of being teased, I started pulling inward.  I was asked why I was so quiet.  I met some friends in high school but was even told by them I needed to talk more to be with them.  I tried reaching out to the popular kids in high school, thinking that if they accepted me I would be ok.  But I never fit in because I wasn't like them-for one thing I didn't drink.

In college, I met my husband.  In him, I found acceptance and the fun I was craving.  However, in order to not loose this acceptance, I make a mistake that has taken years for me to get over.  I chose to be intimate with him outside of marriage, resulting in the birth of Kristina.  When deciding whether or not to be intimate, I considered what God would think.  I knew it was wrong-a mortal sin that could have devastating effects.  Full aware of the consequences, I still made the decision so that I would not loose what I longed for the most-acceptance.  After we were married, I considered my actions and believed God could never love me because I willingly went against His standards.  How could He love someone who screwed up as much as me?

All of these events caused me to question who I am and whether I was ok.  It made me feel like I was unlovable.  And if I was unlovable, then surely God or Jesus wouldn't love me. God doesn't love screwups-people who keep making mistakes and disappointing the people in their lives.  We need to be good enough to earn God's love.  I was certainly not good enough.  Or this is what I believed. 

The bible, however, says that nothing can separate me from God's love.  Not my mistakes no matter how huge.  Not the rejection I faced.  The bible also says that God's love never ends and is not dependant on what I do.  God's love is different than human love.  God's love is perfect.  He will not be swayed by what happens or choices I make.  He will never say "Ann, you have screwed up too many times.  I'm out of here."  God will always love me no matter how I feel.  Even if I feel like He doesn't love me, He does.  God knew all of the mistakes I would make and still loves me.  He wouldn't have sent Jesus to die on the cross otherwise.  It was out of His love for me (and everyone else) that He left heaven, walked the earth as a human, and died a horrible death.  God (in the form of Jesus) stood in my place so that I could escape death and live in heaven for eternity.  If I could somehow be good enough, then Jesus would not have had to die.  And it is a slap in his face if I say I can even try to be good enough.  It insults what Jesus did for me and everyone else.

This is what God is working on in me-that despite the people who have rejected me, He never will reject or forsake me.  And when I get to heaven, I will see it manifested before my eyes.  Because I believe I will get a hug that tells me I was loved from the very beginning.  Jesus loves me this I know-for the bible tells me so!!

I reread 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 which was quoted in Chapter two.  While I have read the passage before, I took something away this time. 

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed;  perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned;  struck down, but not destroyed."

What I took away from reading this passage is, while I will have struggles this side of heaven, they don't need to define me.  Instead of questioning why this must happen or what did I do wrong to have this circumstance or make it go away so that I can enjoy an easy life, I can embrace the moment.  The moment is as it is.  I can sit right in the middle of the messiness of the situation and be at peace.  I do not need to be perfect.  It's ok to make mistakes and have hard days.  It's ok to face the rollercoaster ride of emotions within me and know that I am ok.  Because what I face and endure does not have the power over me or the last word.  The situation will not do me in.  And I don't need to feel bad if I don't react to life the way I would like.  I may have been struck down, but I am not destroyed.  I may be hard pressed but I am not crushed.  I may be perplexed about what is happening to me and how I should handle it, but I am not in despair.  I can get back up and get back into life.  And I don't have to do it alone because we as believers have a power within us that is far greater.  And that power will help us face and deal with whatever comes our way.  No matter how I feel or anyone else may feel, God will never abandon us.  He knows how we are made and loves us anyway.  He knows we can't live this life on our own or in our own strength.  He knows the troubles of this world and how they get us down.  And He promises to be with us and fight for us.  We just need to ask and fall back into His loving arms.  He will help us all the time.

The truths in this passage really spoke to me today and for the first time, I feel like I am turning a corner regarding trusting God.  This is because for the first time since claiming my faith as my own, I have a hope.

Week two of "Trusting God"

The second week of "Trusting God" was hard for me.  The truths the GIG's talked about hit a nerve with me-an unpleasant nerve.  First let me summarize the facts of week two.  Day one was about God's peace and that we can have peace despite our circumstances.  Peace is not the absence of problems.  Day two was about the importance of spending time with God so that you have the strength to face the stresses of life and what comes at you.  Day three was about looking for the ways God cares for you-His fingerprints in your life.  Day four was about God's timing being perfect.  We have our plans and timetables for our life, but God's timing is ultimately perfect.  He comes through at just the right moment to meet our needs.  And just because it seems like He is not moving, doesn't mean He doesn't care.  Because He will meet the need at just the right moment.  Day five was about clinging tightly to God no matter the circumstances.  No circumstance is outside God's ability to handle.  Gwen talked about what she does to boost her ability to trust God when she feels weak (listen to praise music, read scripture, pray, and meditate on God's goodness) and encouraged her readers to come up with their own.

I guess why this week was hard for me was because I believe that my struggles seem to never end.  They are a constant companion.  Not that I expect them to go away completely.  I know we live in an imperfect world and I will have struggles like everyone else.  Maybe I have built my struggles up to a bigger degree than how I view others' struggles.  I may have made them into a bigger mountain than they are.  That thought just popped into my head as I was typing.  Perhaps I need to tell my "mountains" how big my God is-something that was talked about in day five.  Instead I have been telling God how big the mountains are.  This past week I have been dwelling on what's wrong and not feeling like God is moving in my life or even present.  I have felt like, despite my efforts, nothing seems to be working.  I have felt like He doesn't care about me or the desires of my heart.  I don't see His fingerprints in my life.  All this makes me feel frustrated like I am doing something wrong.  What I'm seeing now as I type out my thoughts is that nothing is wrong with me, just my methods.  So, I'm going to try some new methods rather than dwelling on the negative.  And I want to come up with a plan for what to do when my mind starts going the negative way.  One thing I have started doing is keeping scripture cards with me that I am memorizing and can meditate on at any point during the day.  I also have some typed up on my ipod that I can pull out as needed in order to keep my mind focused in the right direction.  I am also reading an intimate love letter to me from God daily.  It is a one page handout that I got from a friend.  It is based on scripture and reminds me of who I am in Christ.  I will also be taking a class through church that is about my identity in Christ.

I know I didn't share a lot of info about this past week, but want to encourage you if you are like me and focus on the negative.  Think of things you can do to get your mind going in the positive direction.  Feel free to share your ideas on here.  I would welcome any new ideas.

May she rest in peace

"You, Lord, give true peace.  You give peace to those who depend on you.  You give peace to those who trust you.  So, trust the Lord always.  Trust the Lord because he is our Rock forever."  (Isaiah 26:3)

Peace.  What does it mean?  What does it look like?  Does it mean an absence of pain and trials?  No.  We are told that we can have peace regardless of our circumstances.  If your circumstances are anything like mine, that sounds good.  Because if I had to wait for my circumstances to get better in order to have peace, I would never have it.

Mary Sutherland says that "Peace is a calm confidence that the Lord of the mountains is still on the throne-no matter how deep the valley may be.  Peace recognizes Jesus walking on the water as He calms the crashing waves and stills the howling winds in your life.  Trials become opportunities to trust God when peace reigns in a heart.  That kinds of peace can be found only in God."

So, this means that when things look bleak we are to look to God, surrendering everything to Him, and believing that He is in control.  When it seems like our circumstances will never change, believe that God is not done with us.  You don't know what He is doing behind the scenes that may take some time for Him to work out.  Never give up hope.  Even if our circumstances never change, we can claim in faith the peace He offers.  It is the peace of knowing that God is in control and with us.  Nothing, not even our circumstances can harm us.  Our circumstances may be that we have a terminal disease that could claim our life.  And even if that is God's plan, we know that we have a glorious destiny waiting for us.  A place free of pain and suffering.  A place where every tear will be wiped away.  A place where we will experience love in complete fullness.  A place where happiness and joy will never end.

We think we know what is best for us.  But only God does.  We can worry over the details of our life, creating a lot of stress.  Or we can surrender it all to God's loving care, claiming His peace.  The second sounds so much better to me.  It is not easy though.  Some days are easier than others to let go and claim God's peace.  Don't expect results over night.  Take it one day at a time, each day growing in your ability to let go and let God be God.  And as you do you will be surprised at how peaceful you feel.  Also, don't rely completely on your own abilities to trust God and claim His peace.  Cry out to God to help you.

Let's Pray
Father, this valley seems so deep and so dark.  By faith, I choose to trust You as my Shepherd.  Father, when I am tired, please carry me.  I cannot see what is ahead.  Will You guide me?  I am often discouraged and ready to quit.  Will You be my strength?  I love You and want to please You with my life.  Empower me to be all You created me to be.  In Jesus' name, amen.

(The above prayer and quote from Mary Sutherland came from the "Trusting God" book by Sharon Jaynes, Gwen Smith and Mary Sutherland.)

Trust Fall

I have read through the first week of "Trusting God."  I just didn't have anything to say at the time about the last three days.  I am trying to catch up now.  At the time, I thought, what does it mean to have a trust fall with God?  I have heard of the trust fall exercise, but didn't understand what it would look like being played out with God.  Now that I have had time to think on it, I think it has to do with giving up control and allowing God to lead my life.  Rather than worrying over details or how to work out something, God wants me to let go of control and surrender it all to Him.  When I let go, He is able to go into action and achieve something far greater than I could on my own.  The bible says God cares about the things that concern me.  Nothing is too small for God to care about.  By surrendering all that concerns me to God, I am free.  Free to focus on what and who God has placed before me.

The trust fall goes beyond God.  I believe that I can do the trust fall with everyone in my life.  I have built up a wall around me, not allowing people to get too close.  If they get too close, I might get hurt.  Just like I did in the past.  It's easier to keep people at a distance.  But, now I am longing for a closeness with other people.  I long for closer friendships.  Not just superficial relationships.  But that means letting down my walls and exposing the vulnerable parts of me.  It means being real-about the good and not so good.  It is scary and is not easy.  But it is what I want and know that God will help me.  As I surrender this to God, He will enable me to open up more with others.  I believe we do a diservice to ourselves by not having close friendships.  We are not meant to walk this road of life alone.

I believe that there are people who are afraid to go to church because they feel that they are not good enough.  That they need to clean up their act before they can go.  It's a lie, though.  Jesus did not come into the world to condemn it, but to heal.  We are healed by being in relationships with others. 

I also believe that there are many people in the church who wear masks, not wanting to expose their realness.  I feel that the world is so hard that the church should be a safe place where people can take off their masks and be real.  We should be an encouragement to others rather than focused on our own concerns.

This all said, I encourage you to take a risk like me to be real with people.  We all have our imperfections.  Instead of hiding them, expose them to the light.  I think that is what the trust fall is all about-letting go of things to God and being real with the people in our lives.

God has the whole world in His hands

In this chapter, Sharon Jaynes tells the story of how God took care of her and her husband 30 years ago.  They were traveling home from announcing to their families about their engagement.  They were going down a road when they hit a slippery patch and were heading into oncoming traffic.  Steve, her husband, knowing that there was nothing he could do to prevent hitting the car head on, threw his hands up in the air and said "God help me."  Next thing they knew, their car was in the ditch, facing backwards.  They did not have their seatbelts on and, if their car was facing forward, they would have been thrown from the car.

As Sharon shares a story of how God took care of her, I think about a time when God took care of me.  My family and I were heading home from visiting my husband's family in New Orleans.  Because my oldest was preschool age at the time, we set out for home late at night so that she could sleep while we drove.  We were almost home-by Grain Valley-when our car had a flat.  Because it was dark and raining, we waited to see what we would do.  We are not skilled at changing tires and the dark and rain made it worse.  I called out to God to send someone to help us.  It was within minutes when a car pulled up behind us.  A guy got out of the car with two raincoat-one for him and one for my husband.  He asked if we needed any help.  When I think back on this, I think what are the odds?  First, that the guy could see us in the dark and rain far enough in advance to be able to stop from highway speed and pullup behind us.  Most people are probably oblivious to cars on the side of the road while driving until they are almost upon them.  Then, what are the odds that this guy has not one raincoat, but two?  I know it was God taking care of us.

While I am aware of how God has taken care of me, I am aware of people who may question God's goodness because they feel like He hasn't taken care of them.  People killed in car accidents, people who are not healed of their diseases and sicknesses, and people who have died prematurely.  Where was God for these people?  Does it mean He doesn't love them or care?  Yes He does love and care about all of us.  He calls all of us to trust Him regardless of our circumstances.  If we trust Him (bail on Him as was talked about yesterday), He will give us the strength and courage to handle anything.  He will walk beside us in the good and bad.  He will care for us whether our circumstances turn out good or not so good.  Our circumstances do not have the last word.  Sometimes He asks us to walk through not so good circumstances so that He can show how strong He is and how much He does care.  We live in a fallen world, so we will face unpleasant circumstances.  But, if we look closely enough, we can see God taking care of us when our world seems to be falling apart.

My challenge to you is to not only look for how God is taking care of you by blessing you with positive situations (answered prayers, good health), but how He takes care of you when everything is crashing in around you.  While I don't like the unpleasant circumstances, I feel God's love so much more at those times.

Bailing on God

Day one of "Trusting God" is about bailing on God.  Mary Sutherland tells the story of how her granddaughter and son play a game called "Bail."  The son holds his daughter tightly to him in his arms while she lets go, falling backwards and swinging between his firmly planted feet.  According to Mary, it is like a toddler's version of bungee jumping.  She tells the story to give a picture of how we can bail on God. 

I am a control freak, but the idea of bailing on God sounds appealing.  I don't know exactly how it would look or play out in my life, but would like to take steps in that direction.  As God directs, I want to take small steps in bailing in His strong arms and allow Him to catch me.  As I do, He will not allow me to get hurt.

I am thinking about where I need to bail on God, where I can let His will and control reign.  As I think, I ponder whether my desire for control is actually keeping me from claiming the things I want and desire for my life.  Things God would gladly give me if only I would bail.  Things from my past that hurt me still today, for example.  I dwell on things that I want to see changed, thinking I can somehow make the changes.  But only God can see the whole picture, why I am where I am and how to get me to where He wants me to be.  Only He knows the depths of my hurts and how to handle them.  Only He knows how fast  I can move towards change.  His timing is perfect.

So, what would it look like if I bailed on God?  I would give up my control and allow God to control and direct.  I wouldn't feel guilty about who I am right now or where I came from.  God knows who He wants me to become.  Only He can get me to that place.  In the meantime, as I surrender control, I can enjoy the journey.  I can focus on the here and now and what is in front of me.  I don't need to look down the road to where I want to be or feel I should be.  I'm ok right where I am.  It's a little scary living with that perspective, but think that is what God is calling me to do as I bail on Him.  Then He can work out His will.

Where do you need to bail on God and what would it look like?