Jesus loves me-this I know in my head but don't fully grasp it yet in my heart where it really matters. Why wouldn't he love me? I grew up believing that I wasn't good enough because I wasn't like my older sister. She was smart and studious and did not cause any problems. She would sit inside, reading and studying and doing well in school. I on the other hand did not like staying inside. I prefered to swim, play in the creek, ride my bike, walk to the rock shop or candy store, jump in puddles, play with my brother and his friends, play baseball and crawl through tunnels made of hay. I could be outside all day if I wanted. And got into trouble when I wandered too far from home and couldn't hear when my parents called for me to come home. No, I was not a home body like my sister. I liked adventure and I think that was a problem. I was also a tomboy and when I was encouraged to join in with my sister and one girl cousin, it felt unnatural. I missed the fun and excitement that came from being around my boy cousins or being outside with other tomboys.
I never fit in at my elementary school, middle school, or high school. I was teased and never fit in no matter how much I tried. After awhile of being teased, I started pulling inward. I was asked why I was so quiet. I met some friends in high school but was even told by them I needed to talk more to be with them. I tried reaching out to the popular kids in high school, thinking that if they accepted me I would be ok. But I never fit in because I wasn't like them-for one thing I didn't drink.
In college, I met my husband. In him, I found acceptance and the fun I was craving. However, in order to not loose this acceptance, I make a mistake that has taken years for me to get over. I chose to be intimate with him outside of marriage, resulting in the birth of Kristina. When deciding whether or not to be intimate, I considered what God would think. I knew it was wrong-a mortal sin that could have devastating effects. Full aware of the consequences, I still made the decision so that I would not loose what I longed for the most-acceptance. After we were married, I considered my actions and believed God could never love me because I willingly went against His standards. How could He love someone who screwed up as much as me?
All of these events caused me to question who I am and whether I was ok. It made me feel like I was unlovable. And if I was unlovable, then surely God or Jesus wouldn't love me. God doesn't love screwups-people who keep making mistakes and disappointing the people in their lives. We need to be good enough to earn God's love. I was certainly not good enough. Or this is what I believed.
The bible, however, says that nothing can separate me from God's love. Not my mistakes no matter how huge. Not the rejection I faced. The bible also says that God's love never ends and is not dependant on what I do. God's love is different than human love. God's love is perfect. He will not be swayed by what happens or choices I make. He will never say "Ann, you have screwed up too many times. I'm out of here." God will always love me no matter how I feel. Even if I feel like He doesn't love me, He does. God knew all of the mistakes I would make and still loves me. He wouldn't have sent Jesus to die on the cross otherwise. It was out of His love for me (and everyone else) that He left heaven, walked the earth as a human, and died a horrible death. God (in the form of Jesus) stood in my place so that I could escape death and live in heaven for eternity. If I could somehow be good enough, then Jesus would not have had to die. And it is a slap in his face if I say I can even try to be good enough. It insults what Jesus did for me and everyone else.
This is what God is working on in me-that despite the people who have rejected me, He never will reject or forsake me. And when I get to heaven, I will see it manifested before my eyes. Because I believe I will get a hug that tells me I was loved from the very beginning. Jesus loves me this I know-for the bible tells me so!!
